VALENTINA’S ADVENTURES IN BAD GAMING – JANUARY 2012
Here’s a true story, dear readers, one that will give you chills and – quite possibly – give you nightmares when you go to bed tonight. I myself still require a nightly dousing of fine spirits … particularly the one made by my amigo, Jose Cuervo. So you can see how this story still haunts me even today because this story took place when I was but 12.
Back then, there was a new gaming system known as the Playstation that already had quite an impressive lineup of titles that included a newly remastered version of Resident Evil. In fact, that’s what I wanted for my 12th birthday and nothing else. I had seen the game in action before in my friend’s house when his brother was playing it and I wanted it so badly that I could taste it.
So, Grandpa Del Toro was sent on a mission to obtain said game to give to his granddaughter on her birthday. Of course, Grandpa Del Toro knew nothing of games or that darn techno gizmo that spun said game inside it so he got advice from a circle of his “younger” friends … all of which played games too of the chess and checker variety. Oh yeah, his “younger” friends still had some of their original teeth but did they really know anything about gaming?
Well, imagine my surprise that fine day when I unwrap my present and find myself staring at a Playstation game. Way to go, Grandpa, you actually did it! Now, imagine my surprise when I discover that the game is called “Barbie and Friends Adventure!” Oh wow, Grandpa even opened the game for me and tossed out the receipt so returning it would be impossible.
Ok, I don’t blame my grandfather for his blunder nor is that the nightmare I mentioned. The real nightmare came from playing the game because – get this – the damned thing had no save point. So how is a little girl suppose to “beat” this game with no save point? On top of that, why does the super dream date with Ken have that creepy stalker vibe to it? Plus, why do Barbie’s friends have to tag along on the date? You don’t see me getting in the way of a friend’s intimate date waving hello like an idiot much like Barbie’s friends do in the game.
Anyway, this kind of thing kept happening every birthday even when other members of my family decided to give me games for birthdays or Christmas. It got so bad that I told them I would much rather have a sweater or socks instead.. When it did lead to, my friends, is nightmares and this gig that I am proud to have on this site.
So, lets get back to the nightmares, shall we?
DUKE NUKEM FOREVER (XBOX 360, PS3)
Like most of you, I too have been waiting a long time to get my hands on a game that seems to have been in development for centuries. So, after so many years of working on the game, you would expect it to be a masterpiece in first-person shooter gaming but instead we get a game whose biggest highlight is having the steroid-using hero pick up a turd right out of a toilet bowl. Even a trip to a strip club seems lame … a strip club!
Why couldn’t we have paid for this game with fake money??
Male pig hero aside, the level design is so by-the-numbers that it loses its charm so quickly that you forget you’re fighting pig police officers and other demonic aliens. Even the vehicle parts seem so dull that I once fell asleep while playing the game. Well, that could be Jose Cuervo’s fault but Duke Nukem Forever will forever be considered one of the biggest letdowns that I am not surprised when I went into a GameStop to find it already collecting dust in the bargain bin.
LEISURE SUIT LARRY: BOX OFFICE BUST (XBOX 360, PS3)
Considered one of the worst games of 2009, you can definitely see why just 2 minutes into the game and – if you hate yourself that much – an hour with it will just seem like torture. You see, we love funny and we love to laugh but this game is funny for all the wrong reasons. It’s too bad, really, since I recently got to play the old PC games of the original Leisure Suit Larry titles that are still a laugh riot even today.
"Hey baby, you wanna climb my Wishing Tree?"
First of all, this game has one or two good laughs while the rest is made up of a series of pointless, repetitive and nauseating mini-games as you assume control of Larry Loveage working in a movie studio. If you came to the game looking for the classic nudity and sex you will not find it here. If you came looking for fun you will find it … making tiny paper hats out of the instruction manual or using the shiny side of the disc to blind friends and foes. Other than that, the rumors are true … this game will suck the life out of you.
BIG RIGS: OVER THE ROAD RACING (PC)
Normally, I don’t get any PC games since this site covers console gaming because that will just open a new can of worms for me. Still, this game is so bad that it had to be played and having sat down for a few hours to play it I found out one thing: this is the funniest game I have ever played! No other game has made me laugh harder or longer and it’s totally not on purpose.
Hey truckers, if you can do this with your rig you win a date with me.
Imagine racing a big rig across the open highway when – suddenly – said highway just disappears and it looks as though your big rig were flying. The box itself says you’ll be running from the law but after speeding and breaking a number of highway laws, no police siren could be heard. Whoo-wee, Cletus, I done found me a patch of Heaven!
Unfortunately, the game crashes often and there are glitches that have the game believing you won the race mid-way. Dang, if that ain’t the end of it, Hoss! You won’t even find the final race unless you git on your Internet and you go and download that there last race. Boy howdy, this game is might fun and for all the dang wrong reasons too.
