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VALENTINA’S ADVENTURES IN BAD GAMING – JANUARY 2012

January 27, 2012 Leave a comment

Here’s a true story, dear readers, one that will give you chills and – quite possibly – give you nightmares when you go to bed tonight. I myself still require a nightly dousing of fine spirits … particularly the one made by my amigo, Jose Cuervo. So you can see how this story still haunts me even today because this story took place when I was but 12.

Back then, there was a new gaming system known as the Playstation that already had quite an impressive lineup of titles that included a newly remastered version of Resident Evil. In fact, that’s what I wanted for my 12th birthday and nothing else. I had seen the game in action before in my friend’s house when his brother was playing it and I wanted it so badly that I could taste it.

So, Grandpa Del Toro was sent on a mission to obtain said game to give to his granddaughter on her birthday. Of course, Grandpa Del Toro knew nothing of games or that darn techno gizmo that spun said game inside it so he got advice from a circle of his “younger” friends … all of which played games too of the chess and checker variety. Oh yeah, his “younger” friends still had some of their original teeth but did they really know anything about gaming?

Well, imagine my surprise that fine day when I unwrap my present and find myself staring at a Playstation game. Way to go, Grandpa, you actually did it! Now, imagine my surprise when I discover that the game is called “Barbie and Friends Adventure!” Oh wow, Grandpa even opened the game for me and tossed out the receipt so returning it would be impossible.

Ok, I don’t blame my grandfather for his blunder nor is that the nightmare I mentioned. The real nightmare came from playing the game because – get this – the damned thing had no save point. So how is a little girl suppose to “beat” this game with no save point? On top of that, why does the super dream date with Ken have that creepy stalker vibe to it? Plus, why do Barbie’s friends have to tag along on the date? You don’t see me getting in the way of a friend’s intimate date waving hello like an idiot much like Barbie’s friends do in the game.

Anyway, this kind of thing kept happening every birthday even when other members of my family decided to give me games for birthdays or Christmas. It got so bad that I told them I would much rather have a sweater or socks instead.. When it did lead to, my friends, is nightmares and this gig that I am proud to have on this site.

So, lets get back to the nightmares, shall we?

DUKE NUKEM FOREVER (XBOX 360, PS3)

Like most of you, I too have been waiting a long time to get my hands on a game that seems to have been in development for centuries. So, after so many years of working on the game, you would expect it to be a masterpiece in first-person shooter gaming but instead we get a game whose biggest highlight is having the steroid-using hero pick up a turd right out of a toilet bowl. Even a trip to a strip club seems lame … a strip club!


Why couldn’t we have paid for this game with fake money??

Male pig hero aside, the level design is so by-the-numbers that it loses its charm so quickly that you forget you’re fighting pig police officers and other demonic aliens. Even the vehicle parts seem so dull that I once fell asleep while playing the game. Well, that could be Jose Cuervo’s fault but Duke Nukem Forever will forever be considered one of the biggest letdowns that I am not surprised when I went into a GameStop to find it already collecting dust in the bargain bin.

LEISURE SUIT LARRY: BOX OFFICE BUST (XBOX 360, PS3)

Considered one of the worst games of 2009, you can definitely see why just 2 minutes into the game and – if you hate yourself that much – an hour with it will just seem like torture. You see, we love funny and we love to laugh but this game is funny for all the wrong reasons. It’s too bad, really, since I recently got to play the old PC games of the original Leisure Suit Larry titles that are still a laugh riot even today.

"Hey baby, you wanna climb my Wishing Tree?"

First of all, this game has one or two good laughs while the rest is made up of a series of pointless, repetitive and nauseating mini-games as you assume control of Larry Loveage working in a movie studio. If you came to the game looking for the classic nudity and sex you will not find it here. If you came looking for fun you will find it … making tiny paper hats out of the instruction manual or using the shiny side of the disc to blind friends and foes. Other than that, the rumors are true … this game will suck the life out of you.

BIG RIGS: OVER THE ROAD RACING (PC)

Normally, I don’t get any PC games since this site covers console gaming because that will just open a new can of worms for me. Still, this game is so bad that it had to be played and having sat down for a few hours to play it I found out one thing: this is the funniest game I have ever played! No other game has made me laugh harder or longer and it’s totally not on purpose.

Hey truckers, if you can do this with your rig you win a date with me.

Imagine racing a big rig across the open highway when – suddenly – said highway just disappears and it looks as though your big rig were flying. The box itself says you’ll be running from the law but after speeding and breaking a number of highway laws, no police siren could be heard. Whoo-wee, Cletus, I done found me a patch of Heaven!

Unfortunately, the game crashes often and there are glitches that have the game believing you won the race mid-way. Dang, if that ain’t the end of it, Hoss! You won’t even find the final race unless you git on your Internet and you go and download that there last race. Boy howdy, this game is might fun and for all the dang wrong reasons too.

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Valentina’s Adventures in Bad Gaming – May 2011

I had a very beautiful dream last night.

I dreamt that game developers and game publishers around the world would stop rushing out games just because its over inflated, big-budget film version was hitting the big screen next week. In the dream, they would stop production on a game when the gameplay starts to feel like torture or would fix it enough to make it fun in short bursts.

Then, this beautiful dream would show happy gamers gladly picking up these games instead of cursing it out loud before they decide to sell it to Game Stop where the clerks would secretly snicker to themselves and softly muttering the word “sucker!” as you leave. In my dream, gamers would find these games repulsive or make you cry silent tears at night for not picking up Portal 2 or using that money to reserve L.A. Noire.

Oh, beautiful dream, isn’t it? However, that’s not reality and what we have is games that will show up in this same monthly feature. Games so bad that they leave a bad taste in my mouth as I wonder how is it that said game wasn’t stoned to death on the spot when it was being pimped during E3. Somehow these games popped up on store shelves everywhere and now I here I am playing the nightmare.


Superman (N64)

Never mind that the Man of Steel gave up his American citizenship, the real controversy is why was this game released to the public? This one is high on the list of Worst Games Ever and I have to say that – after playing it on my still functional Nintendo 64 – this is an accurate title for this super lame excuse of a game. In fact, I would have to say that it makes the Total Recall game a gem to play in comparison.

Welcome to Metropolis where the sky is purple and Superman is lame.

Where do I start when it comes to describing how bad this game is and how do I erase the memories of having played this joyless, repetitive and frustrating game? How about flying through rings in a lengthy level that was so boring I actually started dozing off in the middle of the game like an old lady watching Andy Griffith re-runs. There’s also combat in the game that makes Superman look bad. If he can’t punch out a crook with a single punch then what’s so Super about him?

Charlie’s Angels (PS2)

I’m imaging the little girl who bought this game hoping to assume the role of realistically proportioned women kicking the hell out of some terrorist scum or dangerous thug that proves that girl power doesn’t have to come from some scantily clad skank with boobs the size of watermelons. They can actually look like Lucy Liu, Drew Barrymore or Cameron Diaz too, you know.

"Good morning, Angels, your next mission is end up in the bottom of a bargain bin."

However, girl power or no, Charlie’s Angel isn’t fit for gaming chicks nor that pervy kid whose secret fantasy is making Cameron Diaz do backflips over and over again. The combat is repetitive, boring and clunky thanks to the controls. Oh yeah, the level design is probably laughed at in game design schools everywhere. I bet they’re using this game as torture in Guantanamo Bay. If they are I bet waterboarding is starting to look really good to them.

Elf Bowling: Collectors Edition (NDS)

We here at Game Revolver love partaking in one of our favorite sports and that is dwarf tossing but Elf Bowling proved that you can take a good thing and make it wrong … so totally wrong. The premise of this Nintendo DS game is to toss a bowling bowl down the lane to knock down elves instead of bowling pins. Sure, it’s good for a laugh the first time you do it but after that it starts becoming less fun and the act will start eating away at your conscious. It’s like beating up a clown until he starts crying.

If they replaced the ball with a dwarf, then maybe this would have been fun. Maybe."

Oh yeah, when setting the difficulty level Hard shouldn’t mean your Stylus control shouldn’t stop working. It’s almost impossible to flick the Stylus in a straight line without having the ball immediately hit the gutter. This is definitely a game that will also get on your nerves to the point that you’d much rather go dwarf tossing instead.

Valentina’s Adventures in Bad Gaming – April 2011

A long while back, a friend entered me in an Xbox 360 game contest where first prize was a shiny new Xbox 360 gaming console and a gaming bundle and the second place was just a gaming bundle and – for reasons I didn’t know at the time – a certificate for some tasty burgers. My friend told me she was in the running for one of these prizes and since she was not a gamer that the prize package would be all mine.

Well, sure enough, I won second place. I never won anything in my entire life … except for some tickets to see some lame reunion for a band called Men At Work. I was excited about receiving this “gaming bundle” only to be in for the surprise of my life. Instead of expecting a Halo game or something cooler, the “gaming bundle” consisted of games created specifically for the sponsor … Burger King.

Oh yeah, the games were horrible whether it’s a “stealth” game where the object is to hand somebody a Whopper or a racing game where the karts feature that creepy King, the games were just magnificently atrocious.

I began to think that maybe I did something to piss my friend off but the truth was that my destiny was to be surrounded by bad games. And I’m not talking about those bad games with some redeemable feature or a single fun level but games so bad that you wonder if the names at the end credits have been changed so nobody would know the real named of those who worked on such a crap game.

Ah, but I won’t trade this job for anything either way.

Spider-Man 3 (PS2)

Ah, Sam Raimi, you managed to craft two brilliant comic book movies based on the Spider-Man mythos but when it came to the third film you turned Spidey into a jazz-dancing-crybaby and why oh why did you cast that annoying guy from “That 70s Show” as Venom? When it came to the games based on this sorry excuse for a movie, it’s the PS2 that got the short end of the stick in terms of quality … not that the Xbox 360 or PS3 version fared any better.

This must be Spidey's new "Grass Feet" costume

Forget the graphics that look like they were made by high school kid using his dad’s old Mac, the gameplay made swinging around this bland version of New York City feel boring enough that you’d much rather take on the even more boring story-based missions. You know a game is really boring when you have more fun exploiting the glitches. Did you know you Spidey can fly? Neither did I until a glitch send him flying across Manhattan after I landed on a car. Ah, good times!

Transformers: Rise of the Fallen (Wii)

Ok, so I was an infant when The Transformers was a cartoon entertaining kids everywhere as a 25-minute animated infomercial for the Hasbro toys so I don’t know the joys of being an older kid finally getting the chance to play as Optimus Prime in a video game. What I do know is that wish fulfillment is only good when the wish being fulfilled is actually good but Rise of the Fallen for the Nintendo Wii is not just bad but downright hurtful. Aiming alone will give you Carpel tunnel.

Game Tip #2: Pretend all the bad guys are Michael Bay

On top of the ridiculous button-mashing and wrist-flicking motions, the missions are repetitive and bland and the level design doesn’t leave much room for enjoying the fact that your Transformer can turn into a vehicle. Even my 6-year old nephew thought that his crayon pictures are better-looking than the graphics in this game. At least they left out the robot-humping mini-bot and the two “gangsta” Autobots.

Autobots, transform and roll out … of this bargain bin disaster.

 


Damnation (PS3)

Speaking of bargain bin disasters, I know Damnation was found in the bottom crevices of some bargain bin. I’m told that our Editor-in-Chief got a funny look from the sales clerk at Game Stop when he bought this dust-covered gem. I looked at the box and thought this might be some awesome western but the description led me to believe it was a steam punk action game that will revolution the genre.

If you reach this level you must really hate yourself

After two minutes of playing the game, I began to believe that it really is possible to make a game so horrible that even a bad game will look like Grand Theft Auto 4 in comparison. I will no longer speak ill of games many of the bad games I made fun of in this column in the past. I apologize to you because clearly, Damnation set out to prove that there are games that can do a lot worst than you.

Valentina’s Adventures in Bad Gaming – September 2010

September 16, 2010 Leave a comment

Celebrating Mexico’s bicentennial and the opening of the Game Revolver offices, I joined the crew of this site at a Mexican restaurant I had always wanted to try out. The meal was tasty and the cerveza flowed like water. Sadly, the food held its own Mexican revolution in my stomach and it didn’t take me too long before I found myself chugging Pepto Bismol bottles like Dos X beer and cursing the word “chipotle.”

I had a similar kind of stomach problem before not too long ago when the first box of chipotle-flavored gaming badness landed on my doorstep just like in the old days when we first started our original site. The games inside left a bad aftertaste – just like the food at that restaurant – and resulted in many a visit to the restroom – just like in that restaurant.

We’re back, alright. I just hope my stomach can survive this gig.

The Dukes of Hazzard: Return of the General Lee (PS2, Xbox)

While I was far too young to really remember the television series this game is based on or why it inspired a theatrical version with Jessica Simpson, our kindly Editor-in-Chief included a DVD with the first six episodes of the series. Let’s just say I had more fun with the DVD menu screen than the game, Return of the General Lee.

"If I had a baby with cousin Daisy, would it be considered my son or my nephew?"

The game has you driving a boat on wheels called the General Lee that is driven by two lawbreaking, cousin-loving rebels who live for pissing off a midget named Boss Hog and the corrupt lawmen of the county. Driving the General Lee is just too frustrating and even more so when you make a jump. The game objectives are boring and repetitive and the computer-controlled opponents are just as in-bred as the characters seem.

Speaking of in-bred folks, whose idea was it to put Daisy Duke behind the wheel of her own lame car? The game sucks enough already.

Constantine (PS2, Xbox)

If your dream was to control Keanu Reeves in a video game, you are in luck. If you dream was to control Keanu Reeves in an exciting game based on an awesome comic book and an awful movie then you will not only be disappointed but you will be out a couple of bucks and precious minutes of your life. Constantine is like a social experiment to see how fast you’ll be reaching for the Disc Eject button. Just about the only thing they got right in this game is the fact that Keanu Reeves really is that stiff.

"Whoa! Even when I hold two guns I'm still this bland."

In the game you will be fighting supernatural evil with a Holy Shotgun and vials of holy water that acts as grenades. It’s just too bad that combat is a joke and the mini-games throughout the game prove that Satan does love to mess with your head.

Backyard Wrestling 2: There Goes the Neighborhood (PS2, Xbox)

Speaking of in-bred folks, backyard wrestling has long since been the sport of hillbilly small town folk and judging from all the YouTube videos I seen I could tell that mostly everyone that “wrassles” in their own backyard has finally gotten tired of the old past-time of yesteryear, which was watching paint dry. The game isn’t any different, although this second game in the series features two porn stars who (if you watch the video that comes with the game) look disgusted for participating in an actual backyard wrestling match. They’re porn stars and THEY’RE disgusted!

This is how most of my dates usually end.

The game also features the Insane Clown Posse and if you don’t remember them then count yourself as one of the lucky ones. Were they actually considered serious musicians? Just about my only favorite thing about the game is getting to bash these two clowns over the head with a garbage bin … over and over again without a time limit.